Gordon's Gossip

I have been reading someones blog .....she woz making note of some top tips and hints, they is very interesting and usefuls, and mades me want to look for some to share wid ya's all. so here dey is.
Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
you is able to read more here
That is cos I is lazy and cannot be arsed to cut and pastes any more of them, and I has a date with some peoples we woz meeting in that club, I is thinking they is kinky sods so I will be very careful, buts I is wanting to find out some things about what they woz doing.
Love Gordie xxxx

I has been with some hot tottie, but even though she woz very nice, she hads legs up to her arm pits, and smooth as mmmmmmmmmm well dey woz very smooth, but anyways we has gone our separate ways, I is thinking it woulds have been difficult cos we is both in da limelight, and so we wudz have been followed every wheres, so being a man, I deciduds that we should part. We woz on good terms, and so she is knowing she can cums stay with me if she is ever in englands.
Well to cheer me up, cos I woz a little upsets, we wents to a club in da city, it saids fetish, and I woz not sures what this is meaning, maybe I thoughts, fetish is kissing with your socks on or somethings like that, or it could be likes my matey thought shaggings a nun, even though that nun is turning out to be a penguin. Anyways we has open minds so we decides a change will do us good.
so in we goes and we is sitting downs and looking sheepish, well more llamaish.We sats down and looked round, there woz lots to see, and hear, I has never been in a club before where you is not getting arrested or thrown out for hitting someone, but it woz different here, there woz all kinds of people,men, women, big, small, long haired, short haired, old, younger, all different types of peoples positioned on different things, that looks like torture devices, they woz tied up by their hands or hads big ropes and belts and things round their bodies, fastenings them to these torture type furniture things, but not only thats whilst they is tieds up, there were other peoples slapping them about, using weapons too, like whips and floggers and stuffs, I is even seeing somes that are looking likes they is going to hang their washings out on peoples nipples. There is lots of whimpering and some screaming, buts noone is helping these peoples, and noone is gettings thrown out for being rough. Whats I noticed woz that afters they is getting the people off the furniture they is giving each other big kisses and cuddles, and loving thems up. I is not able to believe my eyes.I hads been wotching one lady, so was my mate Martin, and she is coming over to us, martin nearly chitz himself.
Hello boys she is sayying, Martin gulped and said hello, thats Hello Mistress to you, she said, staring into his eyes, yes mistress, sorry mistress he is saying, sheeeeeeeeesh wotz happened to Martin, I is thinking, she smirked, good boys she says, and clicked her fingers, I is thinking she is an hypnotist or somethings, cos she has martin under some sort of spell, as soon as she clicks her fingers his legs give way and he is on his knees. Wotz more as she touches his head, he bends right down and kisses her boots. She grins and pulls his head back, and shakes her head. tsk tsk, naughty boy, she says, I will have to teach you a lesson, she says, martin, like a twat says yes Mistress, thank you, and she leads him off, towards that a big cross like thing in da middle of the room.I watch bemused...
Love Gordie xxx

I shuldz be so lucky

I has met one of my fans this week, in a bar, I has been aksed nots to reveal the exact details of da place, and not to mentions anythings about the attire of the clientele, nor the nature of the establishment where I was meeting my fan, you can sees in the pitcher she woz oozing sex, she woz wantings my body, wanting some humpy pumpy, I is not saying if she was so lucky or not, but she has told me she cant gets me out of her head, theres a lot to be said about head, buts I is not going to say it, but she was gagging for it!!! anyways, needless to say I has been a little bits sidetracked, as soon as I is needing some recovery time, I will tell you more
love Gordie xxx

Me and the boys went off the beaten path, and found a club, it had been listed in the alternative tour guide, and one or two of my boys woz wanting to go checks it out, its a free love place, for all types of peoples. Well when we woz sittings in there , a guy comes and sits next to me at the bar, he has been back packing for a few months, saved his giros up, and gots a cheap ticket, he is from liverpools and is saying somethings about going back to his roots. Well anyways we is drinking a few beers, when this hunky guy stands at the bar next to him, and is looking out of the corner of his eye,at the scouser. having got his drink he leaned in close to the scoser and whispered in his ear,' Hello pretty boy, do you want a blow job'... the scouser stands up quick as lightening, head butts the other guy and pushes him towards the door.I pulls the scouser back, hey mate, whats wrong I said, what did he say that was so terrible, the scouser, red faced, looked at me, I couldnt really tell cos of his accent, but he said something about a job........bastard!!!

We has been staying on a farm for a few days, well it is sorts of a farm come bed and breakfast type place, they has fields and sheeps and cows and grow things and stuffs, but they also has people there on vacashun, some of thems gets a bit involved in the milking the cows and practices shearing sheep and things, others just be drinking fosters and other beer and squishing mozzies.So we is staying there, which is taking up mosts of the rooms, but there is anuther guest here, he is a cowboy or summin, he is wearing like a cowboy hat, and chewing a bit of straw, but I is thinking he is a bit too hefty to be ridings a horse, he is telling us he is from texas, he is talking lots and lots, about all da things he has, I think his daddy has a farm or something back homes, anyways like I is saying this guy is a bragger, if you has it he has it bigger, if you has seen it, he saw it first, you know da sorts I mean.Well one mornings the farmer took us outs to have a look round his farm, first he shows us his big wheat field, I is amazed, it is enormous, but the texan says, back in texas, we have fields ten times as big as that.The farmer sucked his teeth and moved on to show us his prized cattle, back in Texas we have cows ten times as big as those, the Texan sneered.We carried on walking, the texan still bragging about back home, when all of a sudden a 'herd' of kangaroos hopped by. The Texan stopped in his tracks, "my word , what on earth is that???" he exclaimed... the farmer smirked, looked at hime, and said " Don't tell me you dont have grasshoppers back in Texas".

Love Gordie